OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby USVibrant » Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:22 am

My neighbor has a potbelly pig, she keeps this pig in her backyard. Often enough this pig gets out from the yard, roams about and then returns to the backyard, which her backyard is across the alleyway.

This morning I was in quite the hurry to play in the snow before the world around became alive with my sexy H3, I did not bother to look if this potbelly pig was in the backyard, I had an aim, nothing around me mattered.

I got into the comfort of my sexy Hummer as he was humming his song of desiring to play, he never says no. I put the gear shift into reverse, without looking for a pig, but only what was important, like the wanna be 4-wheel drive behind me.

Suddenly, I hear this thump underneath, I get out and look what I hit and it was this potbelly pig and he just seemed to be dazed a little, as if he spun out underneath the clearance that is there. I thought, to myself being a woman of accountability I will inform my neighbor what happened later, as I had still yet had an aim, and that was to feel the power of my Hummer, it is similar as to what some may feel on a Harley.

Arriving back home, walking in the door, the phone begins to ring and it is my neighbor, she ranting and raving, not allowing me to get in a word edge wise. I finally, found the chance in getting a word in, I asked her how she found out I hit her pig as every neighbor was still yet asleep. Her reply, "that darn pig squealed on you!"
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

I would rather be found camping & off-roading than to be found at home
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Bellvis » Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:38 pm

USVibrant wrote:My neighbor has a potbelly pig, she keeps this pig in her backyard. Often enough this pig gets out from the yard, roams about and then returns to the backyard, which her backyard is across the alleyway.

This morning I was in quite the hurry to play in the snow before the world around became alive with my sexy H3, I did not bother to look if this potbelly pig was in the backyard, I had an aim, nothing around me mattered.

I got into the comfort of my sexy Hummer as he was humming his song of desiring to play, he never says no. I put the gear shift into reverse, without looking for a pig, but only what was important, like the wanna be 4-wheel drive behind me.

Suddenly, I hear this thump underneath, I get out and look what I hit and it was this potbelly pig and he just seemed to be dazed a little, as if he spun out underneath the clearance that is there. I thought, to myself being a woman of accountability I will inform my neighbor what happened later, as I had still yet had an aim, and that was to feel the power of my Hummer, it is similar as to what some may feel on a Harley.

Arriving back home, walking in the door, the phone begins to ring and it is my neighbor, she ranting and raving, not allowing me to get in a word edge wise. I finally, found the chance in getting a word in, I asked her how she found out I hit her pig as every neighbor was still yet asleep. Her reply, "that darn pig squealed on you!"


So did you have some bacon and ham for breakfast?
Miss you Rich! Thank's for all the memories!
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby USVibrant » Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:54 am

Bellvis wrote:
USVibrant wrote:My neighbor has a potbelly pig, she keeps this pig in her backyard. Often enough this pig gets out from the yard, roams about and then returns to the backyard, which her backyard is across the alleyway.

This morning I was in quite the hurry to play in the snow before the world around became alive with my sexy H3, I did not bother to look if this potbelly pig was in the backyard, I had an aim, nothing around me mattered.

I got into the comfort of my sexy Hummer as he was humming his song of desiring to play, he never says no. I put the gear shift into reverse, without looking for a pig, but only what was important, like the wanna be 4-wheel drive behind me.

Suddenly, I hear this thump underneath, I get out and look what I hit and it was this potbelly pig and he just seemed to be dazed a little, as if he spun out underneath the clearance that is there. I thought, to myself being a woman of accountability I will inform my neighbor what happened later, as I had still yet had an aim, and that was to feel the power of my Hummer, it is similar as to what some may feel on a Harley.

Arriving back home, walking in the door, the phone begins to ring and it is my neighbor, she ranting and raving, not allowing me to get in a word edge wise. I finally, found the chance in getting a word in, I asked her how she found out I hit her pig as every neighbor was still yet asleep. Her reply, "that darn pig squealed on you!"


So did you have some bacon and ham for breakfast?


Hi Bellvis,

No I did not have bacon and ham for breakfast, I am not into eating road kill. :lol: Only things I can buy and the supermarket or what I can shoot and catch with a fishing pole legally. :yup:
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

I would rather be found camping & off-roading than to be found at home
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WOMEN VS HUMMERS, In my case MEN VS HUMMERS

Postby USVibrant » Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:46 am

WOMEN VS HUMMERS

After many discussions, most women agree, there's no competition between women and hummers.

An aging Hummer, it would appear, increases in value with time, while a womans' creases and lines grow and appear in time. A hummer has four tires, and a spare, while a woman's spare tire becomes more evident as time goes by. A hummer never expects anything except that you will have a good time in it, while a woman knows if you expect a good time in anything, you'll have to earn it. A hummer is like safe sex, while a woman expects safe sex. A hummer can, without any effort, abound over mountain, hill and glade, while a woman just gets over the hill, without any effort. A hummer never talks back, gives orders, expects equal time with the kids, it just waits until you're ready for her. While a woman, cooks, cleans, gives up her professional dreams, bears and rears children, deals with the details, and fends off the boogie man, the hummer just keeps on humming along...

Confabulated by
Michael B. Selig, MD, FACC. (I would do it again, I think!)
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

I would rather be found camping & off-roading than to be found at home
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HOW TO TELL YOUR 4-WD IS WORKING

Postby USVibrant » Mon Jan 31, 2011 6:16 am

1.Find a passenger-helper.
2.If you have manual hubs, lock 'em.
3.Get into some real wet slippery mud.
4.Engage 4 wheel drive.
5.Stop the Jeep (in the mud).
6.Turn the steering wheel all the way right.
7.Stick your head out the driver's side window.
8.Look directly at your front wheel.
9.Floor the accelerator, only for a sceond or two.
10.Pull your head back in and look at the passenger-helper.
11.If the passenger-helper is laughing, your 4 wheel drive is likely engaging.
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

I would rather be found camping & off-roading than to be found at home
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EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

Postby USVibrant » Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:48 pm

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women










End of Report
U.S. Attorney General's Office
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Bellvis » Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:34 pm

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Miss you Rich! Thank's for all the memories!
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby USVibrant » Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:34 am

Bellvis,

Are you Mr. Samuel? :lol: If so your wife never has a dull moment!
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Robo » Thu Apr 14, 2011 12:59 pm

A man pulls up to a red light and a young "working girl" aproached the driver and said, "I'll do anything you want for $100, but there's a catch. You have to say it in 3 words, no more, no less". The driver invites her in to his car and they drive away.

After a quite ride they stop at his home and she asks him, "You know what you want honey?" "Sure do!" he replies. Gives her a $100 bill and says,

"Paint my house"
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Protect your Freedom. Protect your Rights.

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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby clean slate » Wed Jun 08, 2011 7:01 pm

If a man really wants to attract a woman in a health club what machine should he use?



....The ATM! :lol:
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Lay Off Letter

Postby USVibrant » Fri Jul 22, 2011 7:59 pm

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.


I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

I would rather be found camping & off-roading than to be found at home
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby USVibrant » Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:02 pm

clean slate wrote:If a man really wants to attract a woman in a health club what machine should he use?



....The ATM! :lol:



Not this woman-the ATM has little impact on my hormones. :lol:
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

I would rather be found camping & off-roading than to be found at home
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Re: Lay Off Letter

Postby clean slate » Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:30 pm

USVibrant wrote:... They voted for change......I gave it to them.


I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.


Only sort of laughing as I work in healthcare and the big O is having his way with us.only with no lube included
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Re: Lay Off Letter

Postby USVibrant » Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:29 am

clean slate wrote:
USVibrant wrote:... They voted for change......I gave it to them.


I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.


Only sort of laughing as I work in healthcare and the big O is having his way with us.only with no lube included



Every aspect of the US as we know is it is suffering at his hands; everything that serves and protects us. Tragedy. As a single woman, I tell you it is almost fearful for me. We all need lube included
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

I would rather be found camping & off-roading than to be found at home
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Embrassing First Date

Postby USVibrant » Sat Aug 13, 2011 8:33 am

In the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went out into the audience to
find the most embarrassing first date that a woman had ever had. The
winner described her worst date experience. There was absolutely no
question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was mid-winter....snowing and quite cold..and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was
a day trip (no overnight) They were strangers, after all, and truly had
never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain,
when she gradually began to realize that she should have not had that
extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested that she try to hold it,
which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of heavy snow and
slow going, there came a point where she told himthat he had better
stop and let her pee beside the road or it would be in the front seat
of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt restagainst the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of
the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued to the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to
pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand
new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a
reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with
her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst
out laughing. She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they were faced with a
real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to
unzip is pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed with laughter, she took the Tonight Show
prize hands down....or perhaps it should be "pants down".
............And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed
off".
Real Women Drive Hummers and This One, once upon a time, Owned Her Own. Now she is just the black Jeep of the Hummer Family going topless and becoming way too dirty. (No Recovery Needed)

I would rather be found camping & off-roading than to be found at home
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