OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Robo » Fri Jun 04, 2010 9:31 am

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'



He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'
The Constitution of the United States of America and the Bill of Rights guarantees our Freedom and our Rights. They do not protect them.
Protect your Freedom. Protect your Rights.

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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Bellvis » Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:29 am

Couple of new ones...........


A guy asks his wife '' what would you do if i win the lottery''? she replied ''I would take half and leave your ass''. he says '' I just won 12 dollars, heres 6, now get the eff out!"
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A fat girl walks into a bar with a duck under her arm, the bartender asks '' hey whats with the pig''? the girl replies ''its not a pig its a duck''. the bartender says '' I was talking to the duck'!"
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A guy runs into the doctors office and says ''doc..doc, you gotta help me im shrinking, I lost 2 inches in the last couple days, what do I do ? '' well'' the doctor replies ''you are going to have to be a little patient."
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and instead he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Miss you Rich! Thank's for all the memories!
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Seth » Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:19 pm

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘so which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ...’we may not have 45 minutes....’ They were seated immediately.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord...'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
‘The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear, ‘he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!'
------------ --------- --------- --------
A man goes to see the Rabbi... 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘how can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I’m certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'take the poison’
Keep your wits sharp, your heart open, and your gun loaded.
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Rich » Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:05 pm

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear, ‘he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!'


:lol: :lol: :lol:
Blow off responsibilities, growing up, and all the boring things in life and do something cool.
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby clean slate » Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:14 am

What is the difference between a 3 ring circus and a las vegas chorus line? :duh:








The circus is a collection of CUNning STUnts! :lol:
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby PhilD » Thu Aug 19, 2010 12:48 pm

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a
sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they
swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with
just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did. "Well done, son!

Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them
all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Rich » Sun Aug 22, 2010 11:45 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Blow off responsibilities, growing up, and all the boring things in life and do something cool.
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Robo » Sat Sep 04, 2010 1:24 pm

Just saw a scarry bumper sticker today

"What happens in the barn, stays in the barn" :o :o

"Que quirra mira una 'donkey show'?" Bellvis? :where:

:lol:
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Protect your Freedom. Protect your Rights.

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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Mark » Thu Sep 16, 2010 3:12 pm

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,

Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter the following command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, then try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Mark » Mon Sep 20, 2010 9:00 am

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology

The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time..

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50.."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby mechmike » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:04 pm

Wow, if you are feeling down, just read some of these http://www.fmylife.com/ and just remember that at least you have a Hummer
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Mark » Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:33 pm

gonorrealectim.jpg
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby wpage » Fri Dec 17, 2010 6:41 pm

At the hospital two psychiatrists are on the elevator...

Another shrink hops on and says "good morning."

He gets off on the next floor...

They look at each other and say " wonder what he meant :wall: by that"?
"You will receive power"
Acts 1:8
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE

Postby Bellvis » Thu Jan 06, 2011 6:14 pm

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms... Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong..
Miss you Rich! Thank's for all the memories!
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Re: OFFICIAL JOKE PAGE:

Postby USVibrant » Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:56 am

[quote="ProjektH3"]Why did the chicken cross the road?............

So he could get to the other side!
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